My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This house was built for laser tag.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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