Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
