Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
