you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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