Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
