i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
