my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
