i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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