How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
