today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
