So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
