dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
