you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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