Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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