so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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