Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
A+ Viking dick
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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