Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
