i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
