So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
