I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
