he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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