I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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