Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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