i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My liver just had a heart attack.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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