You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
