i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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