My sheets look like a crime scene.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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