dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
