someone get that fucking seahorse.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
