Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
