You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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