i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
