He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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