And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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