Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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