I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Then you guys just all showered together...?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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