Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
