I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
