I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
