One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
