Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
