I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
