I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we're so committed to being not committed
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