Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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