i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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