Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
