It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
