I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
