My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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