Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
