my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
