It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
