ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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