Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
