i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
