If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
