u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize