I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
