My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize